all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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