i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
