you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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