I met the friendliest cop last night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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