Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
