I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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