I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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