the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
