I'm really into asian looking animals
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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