gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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