Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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