That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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