Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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