New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
