I think my fart just growled at me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
