you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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