Betty ford says i'm here all night
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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