Your face is a jimmy john
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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