What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
