Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
