I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
