The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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