I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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