So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
