insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
