I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
