If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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