office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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