I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
