pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Randomize
