I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
