I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
