filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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