Just fell off a train. Bad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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