i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
