He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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