She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
