it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
