Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
