Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
