Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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