I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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