I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
