one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
me + whiskey = a bad person
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
