i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
