omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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