and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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