Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
