Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
