the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
